Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me