My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Only a mother’s love …
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
(2022)
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.