What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.