So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
You Might Also Like
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
What the hell is going on?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Writing, She Murdered.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve