Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I have obtained a hat
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)