me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
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My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
🤣😂🤣
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What