I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
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I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer