if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”