[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
This is my bus stop.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.