Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
black phone good
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Rooting for the overdog
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath