Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
You Might Also Like
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*