I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
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“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
a fate I wish upon no one
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
how it started vs how it ended
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]