I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.