The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
🤣
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock