*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
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i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
our love story in four pictures
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!