Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
can’t catch a break
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Always
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
the world’s most popular steaming services
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.