there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
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Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*