Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
can I use a minion as a tampon
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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