the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
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Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though