We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
#Caturday
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to