“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My kitchen overserved me.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My safe word is Worcestershire
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral