8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Put the is in disheveled
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.