God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
You Might Also Like
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created