[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
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Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut