“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
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We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.