KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
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“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.