Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
(yawn)
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!