I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
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[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y