Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
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If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.