What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
New Tinder profile.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.