Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
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I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
When your man makes a valid point
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My safe word is Worcestershire
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”