My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE