Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.