Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them