Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
A dad and his duck
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.