Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
You Might Also Like
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
#SCOTUS one-star review
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.