“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
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I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
That’s not how days work.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.