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Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess