Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*