In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL