Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
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Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
another case of gang violins
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.