Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.