My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
This is my pinned tweet
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics