Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
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I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
live long and prosper!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.