Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards