Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
You Might Also Like
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If only.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was