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They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”