Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
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I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF