My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
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The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*