Merica.
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.